I wish I understood discernment and leadings better ...

Today in Meeting, I jotted a note to myself: "Sometimes it feels like we have no choices - that's fear. If we're open to the 'we in me' in calm and trust, we find we do have choices and they become clearer, less blocked by the fear."

I deal with anxiety and depression from time to time, but I don't often think about either in terms of fear. The paralysis I experience when faced with some emails or tasks, I think of as 'just' anxiety. By reacting to my fears, I do various things that shut down my choices or I do nothing at all.I never really thought about how I sometimes get into a pattern of staying up too late to self-soothe through a pleasant TV show or novel and how that's related to fear. Instead, I just get angry with myself for having 'ruined' the next day. It came to me that I'm afraid of the next day and all the looming tasks and changes. I'm pulling the covers over my head by *not* pulling them over my head! I want more time conscious to enjoy my solitary peace before the terror of the next day.

In meeting, I kept returning to the story of the Annunciation when Gabriel says to the Virgin, fear not. Ne timeas. It was really pushing at me - fear not. I tried testing if this was something that I should share with the meeting, but I felt like it was perhaps, too small and individual to be of much use to others. And then I got worried about it, too. I'm still learning the mores and language of Quaker meeting.

It feels as though there was a complicated message for me, that will take some time to unpack, in these thoughts about fear. I'll keep thinking about it and trying to listen to it to see if I can get a better handle on what these sort of fleeting but repeating thoughts might mean.

***


Another piece of today's meeting was somewhat intense for me. I had been thinking and listening on the concept of fear, when my brain sort of skipped off that track and on to a new one.

I have celiac disease; it's dramatically underdiagnosed in the US and while awareness is going up, it's still pretty low. It can be difficult to live with sometimes, as you can't have ANY gluten (wheat, rye, or barley, or their byproducts), and very often these aren't listed on labels as anything recognizable (almost no companies indicate what lipbalms/lipsticks, for example, are gluten-free). Eating in restaurants can range from merely difficult to excruciatingly embarrassing and very dangerous. It's hard for me to send something back once, but croutons in the salad and gravy on the potatoes are NOT ok. Scraping them off, also not ok. (that's another blog, however!)

Since my diagnosis, I've tried to think about to handle the issue of the disease with students, colleagues, etc. My rough decision has been to be very open about it, at least about the part where I can't eat gluten, and to not call it an allergy (it's not, but that's the easy way to explain it to, say, a waiter), but to say "I have celiac disease." I've been sort of worried about whether I'm being too open, or that being open is just being selfish and using CD to get attention. My justification has been that I'm contributing to awareness and doing a kind of outreach.

So, today, these thoughts came back again. It became very clear to me that there was a place for me to be an activist on behalf of Celiacs and CD research and awareness.
Not only is there a place/role, but also that it was one I need to fill. I've never had a feeling like this one. That perhaps there's something I can really do that could really *help*. I'm a teacher and I am passionate about what I do, but, particularly in today's world, the activist element of teaching pre-modern history (as an ex) has become somewhat diffuse. I'm not putting that quite right and I need to sit and think about what I'm trying to say there about teaching in another post.

So, I think that I have a leading to develop for myself an activist role. Here's where the concept of discernment, I think, comes into play, in judging if this is a true leading. But perhaps I'm using all of these terms incorrectly. I once confessed to my (quite small) meeting that I was afraid I wasn't good enough to be a Quaker and that I was doing it wrong. I got wonderful responses back, full of support, but I still feel like that a lot. I'd like to think more about how the form of meeting leads to this in some ways for newcomers and particularly for me. I am very happy in unprogrammed worship, but a little confused about what happens next!

A very long post, definately in need of editing.