At the still point of a turning world. And Quakers.

There's something about the phrase "at the still point of a turning world" that has kept it with me over time. It's only a fragment, a piece, of something larger. The line comes from the first section, "Burnt Norton" of T.S.Eliot's "Four Quartets." It starts a stanza and is punctuated as though it were a sentence, a full thought: At the still point of the turning world. But it's not complete, not a sentence; a piece of a poem in a group of poems.

It feels complete, though; I hear it, say it, remember it, read it. Partly because it is such a very rich thought to me, so in its fullness, there doesn't seem to be anything missing. But the verb is indeed missing; the one part of speech you need for an 'official', grammatically correct sentence. I think Eliot left it out on purpose. (I am sure Eliot left it out on purpose, he did not craft his poetry unaware, or throw it together. There are no accidents in Eliot.) Imagine the difference in this phrase if a verb of action, or even of being, were to be added. It would remove the (spiritual/physical/emotional?) sense of that very still point he describes, would make it somehow less still, make it somehow just less.

Taken out of the context of Eliot's poem, this phrase, this concept has stayed with me. I once tried to describe to someone that I thought a relationship, real love, should be as though a still point in a turning world. I'm not sure that what I meant came through, or if I would entirely still try to make exactly that statement.

What I do know is that when I came upon this phrase for the first time, it struck me as enormously, fundamentally correct. It somehow struck me, and I literally do mean 'struck' me, as in 'hit me physically, bodily,' as though someone had but into words some fundamental concept, some law of reality, described something essential for which there previously hadn't been words. The passage, the very words, seemed created to do what they were doing. It was almost as though the world and I together made some fundamental leap of understanding.

And so, I took out this phrase from time to time, remembered it when 'things of great importance' were discussed. But, I never meditated on it or thought seriously about why it aroused such powerful spiritual, emotional, and mental reactions it me. It actually makes something ache or twang or sing inside me; I can feel it bodily.

It is only very recently that I have come to begin to undertstand the place of this phrase for me in my cosmology, my identity, my body, my soul. I am searching and have been searching for that still point of a turning world for as long as I can remember. Even before I knew this phrase. I don't know yet all the outlines of what it means to me.

A pause, a rest, a chance to breathe. A moment, a place, a state to think, or more truly to reflect (and not (or not only) in the connotation of 'looking back'). A way to be, ideally, with (not against) the scream and jangle of the always-turning world. A goal. A mission. A desperate need. The cure, the answer, the solution. Peace. GRACE.

I think it might be my notion of God: a still point in a turning world. Or one piece of what I think of when I think of God. It may be where I think you can communicate (commune, perhaps is better) with God. It is where, I think, that the God in me exists.

One of the reasons I find silent worship so profoundly moving, I think, is that it not only allow, but encourages the development and exploration of this still point. In individuals, but also in the process of the meeting itself.

Quaker meeting (and quakerism) has offered me a place and an encouragement to seek the still point in a turning world, and for that I am profoundly grateful.

I felt led to the Quakers. I felt like I needed to go to meeting, desperately, and I overcame my fear of new situations where I don't know what to do, my fear of 'what people might think' more quickly that is normal for me. I am so thankful for finding a community and a faith that fits this search for me. There are other ways, I have no doubt, but for now, this is one that is important to me.

Have I found the still point in the turning world? Or figured out all of what it means to me? No, but there is grace and joy beyond measure in the search, in the seeking. Sometimes I think I touch (in all possible senses of the word and its possible uses), that I am at (the edges of) the still point in a turning world.








And, if you haven't read Eliot's "Four Quartets," here's a link to an online copy. I think it's better read from an older book, where the printing press has 'bitten' into a rag paper to leave texture you can run your finger across and the black of the ink creates warm or starkness against the white or yellow shade of the page. But that's just me!
http://www.tristan.icom43.net/quartets/

Becoming

My use-name online is grey, and has been since I first posted to a discussion board ten years ago. I don't know entirely where that name came from--grey being the color of my favorite sweaters, or the color of my eyes? An emotional state? The fact that I see most issues as shades of grey? Or that I almost always can see the other side of things, even when it would be easier, less emotionally conflicting, and certainly help my anxiety NOT to?

I started this blog as a place to talk about my "spiritual journey." I've been attending Quaker meeting and reading as much as I can about the Religious Society of Friends. I'm also reading general materials about spirituality. As you can see above, I'm struggling with the language of spirituality and religion - I feel the need to put quotation marks around things! One reason for the blog is to try to work out this discomfort and to clarify for myself how and why I react as I do.

As I signed up for this blog, I didn't have any difficult thinking of what to call it. Usually, titles are a nightmare for me; titles of courses, of writing, of emails, of everything. This one just popped right out. I'm not entirely sure WHAT I'm becoming - I have no real idea of the endpoint of this journey - but I'm entirely sure that SOMETHING is happening. I am becoming something. I think one thing might be a convinced Quaker. One thing might be a more centered person. I definately becoming a more spiritual person (although it was really uncomfortable to write that!!).

The blog address "becoming@blogspot" was taken. One of the suggestions blogger gave me was "becoming-grey." It's perfect. I feel like the name "grey" gets at something more true to me than my given name, with which I've never had much of an identification.

Given the association of Quakers and grey, I think it may be an entirely apt title for this blog, as well, although it feels somehow presumptuous to say so. Presumptuous in the sense of, I'm just an attender, how could I possibly say anything about becoming a Quaker? It's not only about becoming a Quaker (in the most pragmatic sense), however, but becoming in some way more truly myself; I feel a bit like I'm in a spiritual crucible, being burned clean at the moment. It feels incredibly good, although sometimes painful. The whole world feels more real.