Becoming

My use-name online is grey, and has been since I first posted to a discussion board ten years ago. I don't know entirely where that name came from--grey being the color of my favorite sweaters, or the color of my eyes? An emotional state? The fact that I see most issues as shades of grey? Or that I almost always can see the other side of things, even when it would be easier, less emotionally conflicting, and certainly help my anxiety NOT to?

I started this blog as a place to talk about my "spiritual journey." I've been attending Quaker meeting and reading as much as I can about the Religious Society of Friends. I'm also reading general materials about spirituality. As you can see above, I'm struggling with the language of spirituality and religion - I feel the need to put quotation marks around things! One reason for the blog is to try to work out this discomfort and to clarify for myself how and why I react as I do.

As I signed up for this blog, I didn't have any difficult thinking of what to call it. Usually, titles are a nightmare for me; titles of courses, of writing, of emails, of everything. This one just popped right out. I'm not entirely sure WHAT I'm becoming - I have no real idea of the endpoint of this journey - but I'm entirely sure that SOMETHING is happening. I am becoming something. I think one thing might be a convinced Quaker. One thing might be a more centered person. I definately becoming a more spiritual person (although it was really uncomfortable to write that!!).

The blog address "becoming@blogspot" was taken. One of the suggestions blogger gave me was "becoming-grey." It's perfect. I feel like the name "grey" gets at something more true to me than my given name, with which I've never had much of an identification.

Given the association of Quakers and grey, I think it may be an entirely apt title for this blog, as well, although it feels somehow presumptuous to say so. Presumptuous in the sense of, I'm just an attender, how could I possibly say anything about becoming a Quaker? It's not only about becoming a Quaker (in the most pragmatic sense), however, but becoming in some way more truly myself; I feel a bit like I'm in a spiritual crucible, being burned clean at the moment. It feels incredibly good, although sometimes painful. The whole world feels more real.